The main signs of sexual abuse during dating:
- he jealous and possessive, does not allow you to have friends, control you, will not accept a break in relations.
- he tries to control you, behaving like a master, giving orders, making all decisions, not taking your opinion into account.
- he scares you. You always think about how he will react to what you say or do. Threatens you, uses a handgun or has a handgun.
- he is cruel: he used to be involved in fights, easily loses control, boasts that he treats others badly.
- he inclines you to sexual relations, imposes sex, threatens. Considers you are his sexual object. Tries to manipulate you, accuses you, saying: “If you really loved me, you would …”, quickly begins to consider the relationship serious.
- he uses drugs and alcohol and inclines you to their use as well.
- he blames you when he treats you badly. He says that you provoked, forced him to do it, your actions are a result of happened affairs.
- in the past, he had a negative experience and makes another person guilty of everything happened.
- he believes that one partner should have power and control, and the other should be passive and compliant.
- your family members and friends warned you to be more careful with this person or tell you that they are worried about your safety.
12 frequently asked questions about dating violence
“Probably, some people like blows because they do not leave the offender”
Most people who are beaten by their close people try to find ways to build relationships. They are confused and sometimes take the blame that something wrong happens in their relationship. But no one likes blows. Often, the victim lives in fear and is simply afraid to break the relationship.
“Isn’t it an expression of true love when someone is angry, if you talk to other people or when someone wants to spend all the time with you?”
Everyone likes attention, and everyone wants to be cared for. But when someone wants to know about your every step and with whom you spend time at a definite moment, this is not a sign of love or care. Jealous people cause problems for themselves and for the people with whom they communicate. If a person tries to control your life, he treats you as his “property”, and not as a person. A jealous person has problems that are not related to you. No matter how you behave, you cannot help the jealous man to feel better.
“Is dating violence conducted by people who are exposed to violence in the family?”
Cruelty is a choice. Many adolescents who are exposed to violence in their families make the choice themselves. If you live in a family in which there is violence, you may not have examples of relationships without violence. If this worries you, talk to someone you trust and ask for help to understand your thoughts and feelings. Teenagers can also make a choice – not to allow others to be cruel to them. If there is violence in someone’s family, it does not mean that they should behave in the same way. No one deserves to be beaten and hurt. You can talk to an adult you trust, a friend, call the helpline and talk about what is happening in your family and about your feelings.
“Is alcohol the cause of cruelty?”
Drinking alcohol does not make a person cruel. Many people drink but do not get cruel. But some people use alcohol as an excuse for cruelty. If you meet someone who drinks and shows cruelty, it is not safe to be around at this time. But even if a person promises to quit drinking, this does not mean that he will cease to be cruel.
“Some girls actually mean YES when saying NO”
“No” means what it means. If a boy does not hear “NO”, then this action relates to rape. If he hears agreement when she objects, he makes things up. Sometimes boys claim that girls deliberately attract them and then do not “yield”. But in fact, no matter what you think about how people dress or behave, they have the right to refuse sex at any time. Unless you can read someone’s minds, you cannot know what a person really wants. Talking about sex is usually embarrassing and confusing, but you cannot find out what the other person wants if you do not speak loud. If there is any doubt, talk with your partner.
“Is violence considered domestic when both partners beat each other?”
Blows are not the norm. In most cases, one person is an abuser and the other response to violence. The abuser is trying to control by cruelty/fear. One person is usually afraid of another, even if he kicks back. However, it rarely happens that girls offend boys, in particular, because of the difference in physical strength. When the boy says, “But she hits me too,” he needs to ask himself questions: “Is she defending herself?” and “Am I really afraid of her?” Even if she assaults you, it does not give you the right to kick her back.
“If the girl had a close relationship with many young men, she cannot shout “I was raped!” if she didn’t like it one day.”
Sex without mutual consent is considered rape. Sexually active girls can be raped, prostitutes can be raped, wives can be raped by their husbands. Rape is a violent crime, and rapists sometimes go to prison for long periods. But the consequences for a rapist are incomparable to the emotional and physical consequences of a rape victim, which sometimes follow a person for long life period.
“When some people get angry, don’t they lose control?”
When a person is cruel, it does not mean that he has lost control. Most offenders who say that they have lost control and hit their partners do not “lose control” and do not beat their teachers or parents when they are angry. People are selectively cruel. Cruelty is a choice. In fact, a person uses cruelty in an attempt to gain control over his partner.
“I will never allow this to happen to me.”
This is great when people really understand that they will not allow physical abuse. Also, adolescents may not allow other treatment with them, for example, do not allow people to humiliate you, call names, insult or offend others. Sometimes people, however, become too tough trying to protect themselves. If everyone thinks you are a tough person, it can be difficult to ask for help when you need it. But even being proud you can ask for help if you find yourself in a violent situation.
“I can live with it”
Why would anyone adopt violence? When two people care about each other, they try to make relations as pleasant as possible. If you need to be tough to maintain a relationship with someone, you need to ask yourself if you really want relationships that look like an ongoing struggle. Everyone can find a caring and reliable partner.
“I am exposed to domestic violence”
You are not to blame for blows. This choice was made by your parents. Some parents beat children for educational purposes because they do not know other ways to teach you to live in a proper way. For other parents, beating children is a way to feel the power and control of the child. It’s scary when your parents beat you; sometimes it’s even worse to think that parents can love and offend you at the same time. Some children turn their grievance into anger against other people. But the situation doesn’t get better within time. If you think your parents will listen to you, tell them that you do not want to be beaten. Talk to someone you trust.
“Does the birth of a child help to solve problems in the relationship?”
Unfortunately, the situation turns in the opposite. The birth of a child only reinforces unresolved relationship problems. Parents often do not have time for each other and no time to talk. Additional responsibility for the child brings great stress to all parents, especially young ones. It is also very important to know that violence in adolescence often begins or increases during pregnancy. When a girl is pregnant, it is natural that she pays attention to changes in the body and begins to think about the future. A partner may be afraid of the fact that he does not pay 100% attention. He can use violence to regain control, he can punish his partner because he is afraid to be a parent.
Category: General Issues
Tags: dating, sexual abuse